Riot
by SuperBaked
Summary: When the pressure gets to be too much, Shuichi starts to live the rock star life of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll, with no regard to himself or anybody around him.
1. Prolouge

It didn't take long for Shuichi's life to fall apart at the seams. He supposed it was fitting; it didn't take long for his life to come together perfectly. He instantly fell in love with Yuki, and Bad Luck's success was almost instantaneous. Things seemed so perfect; he nearly forgot good things never last.

With Bad Luck quickly becoming the most popular band in Japan, the boys had very little time to live normal lives. They were constantly in the studio, on tour, putting on concerts, spitting out singles and CD's. Paparazzi and crazed fans followed them everywhere, shoving cameras in their faces and microphones under their noses. The pressure was amazing in the worst way.

Shuichi was under so much stress, gone so often, that his relationship with Yuki was suffering. Yuki couldn't stand the extra attention that he garnered from being with Shuichi. The paparazzi began to chase him down streets as well, and not because of his own success. Shuichi began snapping at Yuki without much provocation, resulting in the worst fights their relationship endured each time. Although he would always cry and apologize after, every incident took its toll.

Looking back, Shuichi knew he should have realized he wasn't happy. Nobody was.

* * *

><p>Shuichi kept his head down as he darted from NG to the black escalade waiting for him. The camera flashes were like a strobe light. K stood beside him, keeping him close, and the reporters at bay.<p>

"Shindou! Over here, look this way!"

"Hello, Shuichi, how's the new album?"

"Give us a smile! Where's your energy, come on!"

"How are things with Yuki, fighting again?"

Even when he was in the vehicle, the paparazzi pressed their cameras to the windows, still screaming questions. Shuichi sighed miserably. Hiro, who was already safely in the vehicle seated beside Suguru, put his hand on Shuichi's shoulder lightly. He tried to smile at his friend, but Shuichi could tell Hiro felt the same way he did. The only one who seemed to enjoy the attention was Suguru, waving pleasantly at the reporters. The tabloids had looked upon him kindly, complimenting him in every aspect. They weren't always so nice to the others.

"It's just too much, y'know?" Shuichi mumbled. Hiro nodded, but he had no words. It was part of the business. They shared a weak, fake smile. Hiro's hand fell away, and Shuichi looked out the window, contemplating.

Why did they insist and pretending? This wasn't who he was—he expressed himself honestly. Yet, each day, he found he smiled when he felt like crying.

* * *

><p>Because of all the people trying to pry into their lives, Shuichi and Yuki had to move to a place with more security. It was actually a happy moment for the couple, even under the circumstances. It was the first time they officially made it both of their place.<p>

They had fun making it home, making it comfortable, breaking in every room. Shuichi lived for those moments with Yuki. When they weren't screaming at each other, they were truly in love. Those moments, Shuichi felt, were the only thing keeping him together.

Despite dragging his feet to the door, Shuichi made sure there was bounce in his step when he got inside. He wanted things to be normal with Yuki. He wanted to be happy with him, wanted Yuki to be happy. The one thing that never changed in all the madness was how much he loved Yuki. So he didn't mind trying to fake happiness, although he really didn't have the energy some nights.

Looking back Shuichi should have realized he wasn't happy. Nobody was. Not Hiro. Not Yuki. Looking back, he shouldn't have been surprised that Yuki was waiting, with his things packed.

* * *

><p>Probably the only surprising thing about the conversation was the fact that Yuki waited around to have it with him. Feeling numb, Shuichi could only listen as Yuki explained that things were too much for him lately. He didn't want his life plastered on the cover of every shit tabloid at the newsstand. Shuichi's attitude was wearing on him too, it was too forced, they fought too often, and he wished Shuichi could be honest, but was frightened by the prospect as well. He couldn't bear to hear that he was unhappy with him. And his health was affected. His relatives were pressuring him, his editor.<p>

He needed to leave to get in touch with himself again. He stopped beside Shuichi before walking past. "I haven't stopped loving you… I hope we can both remember who we are while I'm gone." He kissed Shuichi softly, and left.

Shuichi was too numb to notice that Yuki was crying the entire time, or that he was too. He stood there until the sun came up.

And that's how he felt for the next couple of months.


	2. Chapter 1

Exhausted, Shuichi buried his head in his hands. Bad Luck, along with K and Sakano, were waiting in the airport for their flight back to Tokyo. Another whirlwind concert across Japan had left them all hanging by their last thread, trying to get the spirit up for the last concert.

Hiro was looking through his phone, likely rereading texts from Ayaka. Their relationship blossomed from tentative, to full blown love. Hiro already bought the ring.

Suguru was reading a magazine with a picture of Bad Luck on the cover; he was the only one smiling. Shuichi sat up and regarded him for a moment. Suguru used to be the most level-headed in the group, but fame quickly corrupted his brain.

Suddenly Shuichi was on his feet, moving briskly. The quickness of his actions startled the lethargic group to attention. He snatched the magazine from the younger man's hands, and threw on the ground. Everyone stared at him in shocked silence while he stared at Suguru with fire in his eyes "Stop reading this shit!" Shuichi growled.

He stalked back to his seat and resumed his earlier position, avoiding eye contact with everybody. He knew they would all be staring at him, then giving meaningful looks to each other; having a conversation without saying a word.

_"He's just acting out again."_

_"Since Yuki dumped him he's been unbearable!"_

* * *

><p>The night after Yuki left, Shuichi couldn't sleep. He was lying on his side, staring at the spot Yuki would have been. Or maybe not, maybe he would have been in his office, the sound of the keyboard unintentionally lulling Shuichi to sleep; typing a lullaby.<p>

The singer was exhausted. He hadn't slept, hadn't eaten since Yuki left. He called in sick to work to avoid having to talk to anyone. Without even a sigh, Shuichi rolled out of bed and walked into Yuki's office. Nothing but the laptop was gone. He sat in Yuki's chair, looking through the drawers.

When he found a pad of paper and a pen, he knew what to do. He began working on lyrics. The first two songs he wrote were complete garbage, the third was a bit better. Before Shuichi even knew it, the sun was up.

Since then, he focussed all of his attention on Bad Luck. They were putting out almost two singles a month, doing more shows than before, more appearances. To everyone's shock and dismay, Bad Luck's popularity skyrocketed. They became more in demand; the pressure which was previously stressful was now almost unbearable.

Shuichi demanded more from everyone, but mostly from himself. He didn't want to give himself a moment to think about anything other than his songs. If given a chance, Shuichi would stare blankly for hours, empty. He knew something wasn't right. When Bad Luck was new, when his love for Yuki was new, he couldn't sit still for five minutes. He was always excited about something.

His mood swings were more unpredictable. He bounced from manically happy, to absolutely pissed off, to crying for hours, to laughing insanely, to feeling nothing at all.

* * *

><p>Shuichi snapped to wakefulness while the plane was landing. K, sitting beside him, noticed his shock and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.<p>

"You fell asleep in the airport, I carried you on." Shuichi didn't reply, just looked out the window, trying to comprehend. He didn't remember falling asleep, although he shouldn't have been surprised. He didn't sleep or eat regularly anymore, those things just happened or didn't.

"Ready for the last concert of the tour?" K asked, almost menacingly.

"I need a drink…" Shuichi mumbled, looking for the stewardess.

"It's too late for that." K shook his head. "You'll get one at the concert hall," he reassured as he stood up and looked for the other members of his troop. Shuichi sighed, and began to push his way down the aisle, not bothering to grab his carry on. He knew K would grab it, or some lucky bastard would… it didn't matter, really.

Suguru glared at Shuichi as he pushed past.

"I can't wait to get out of this band." He muttered to Hiro. Hiro shushed him and looked around nervously.

"Not so loud, man. We want to break the news to Shuichi as carefully as possible. He's in a fragile state right now."

"Fragile, my ass!" Suguru hissed. "He's just being a brat." Hiro looked at him, half annoyed, half understanding. The Shuichi he knew was changing before his eyes, becoming this empty, angry young man. It started happening before Yuki left, but it seemed that was a catalyst. Hiro could see barely constrained aggression in everything Shuichi did, even when he laughed. It was unlike anything he ever witnessed his best friend go through. Usually there were controlled tears in Shuichi's eyes, not a desire to hurt someone. No one understood why or what was happening.

Hiro knew Shuichi didn't even understand it, and that must be the most confusing thing, to not know yourself anymore.

0

Shuichi exhaled smoke as he sighed, pressing the back of his head against the wall. He felt relaxed, almost content. He wasn't even nervous anymore. He could hear the crowd screaming for Bad Luck, and it excited him like nothing else. Performing live was like a drug, it was exhilarating. Well, maybe it was the marijuana he was smoking that made him feel that way.

The door to the dressing room opened. It took Shuichi a moment to realize that Hiro, dressed ready to rock the stage, was standing next to him.

"You're smoking pot, Shuichi?" He asked sceptically. Shuichi shrugged and smiled at him, silently holding the joint out for him to take. When Hiro made no move to take it, Shuichi took another hit.

"What the hell, Hiro?" He said after exhaling. "We used to get high with each other all the time. It's just pot." He offered the joint to Hiro again, raising one eyebrow. "You know you waaaant it!" he giggled, clearly stoned.

Hiro accepted it this time, taking a deep puff from the joint. He hadn't smoked this stuff since Shuichi and him graduated high school, but Shuichi was right. He could remember getting high in Shuichi's room after school, getting inspired to play their instruments. Shuichi's mom would always complain about the awful smell and the loud music, but they boys would laugh it off.

"Where did you get this anyway" Hiro asked, passing the joint back to Shuichi.

"A stagehand gave it to me for an autograph" Shuichi laughed, took a hit, and passed it back to Hiro.

When the joint was gone, Shuichi threw it in a half empty beer cup by his feet. "Oh man, I'm so stoned…" he laughed. Hiro nodded in agreement, getting paranoid. What if he couldn't play his set properly.

He didn't have much time to think about it, before they knew it, K was ushering them down the hall and onto stage.

0

"Thank you, Tokyo! It's great to be back!" Shuichi yelled into the microphone. "We have one more song we would like to play for you, and then we have to go! Here it is, our new song…The Change!"

The crowd screamed in return. Shuichi looked back at Hiro and Suguru and nodded. Before the introduction started, Shuichi ran to the side of the stage, and drank deeply from a bottle of beer. He raced back to center stage just in time to sing the opening line.

_I thought that I was strong_  
><em>I know the words I need to say<em>  
><em>Frozen in my place<em>  
><em>And let the moment slip away<em>

_I've been screaming on the inside_  
><em>and I know you feel the pain<em>  
><em>Can you hear me?<em>  
><em>Can you hear me?<em>

_Say it's over_  
><em>Yes, it's over<em>  
><em>But I need you anyway<em>  
><em>Say you love me<em>  
><em>But it's not enough<em>

_Never meant to lie_  
><em>But I'm not the boy you think you know<em>  
><em>The more that I am with you<em>  
><em>The more that I am all alone<em>

_I've been screaming on the inside_  
><em>And I know you feel the pain<em>  
><em>Can you hear me?<em>  
><em>Can you hear me?<em>

_Say it's over_  
><em>Yes, it's over<em>  
><em>But I need you anyway<em>  
><em>Say you love me<em>  
><em>But it's not enough<em>

_Not that I'm so different_  
><em>Not that I don't see<em>  
><em>the dying light of<em>  
><em>what we used to be<em>  
><em>But how can I forgive you<em>  
><em>Just change<em>  
><em>And I'm a liar by your side<em>  
><em>I'm about to lose my mind<em>

_'Cause I've been screaming on the inside_  
><em>And I know you feel the pain<em>  
><em>Can you hear me?<em>  
><em>Can you hear me?<em>

_You've been dreaming if you're thinking_  
><em>that I still belong to you<em>  
><em>and I've been dying<em>  
><em>'Cause I'm lying to myself<em>

_Say it's over_  
><em>Yes, it's over<em>  
><em>But I need you anyway<em>  
><em>Say you love me<em>  
><em>But it's not enough<em>

* * *

><p>The song belongs to Evanescence; it's off of their new album! It's amazing, and I suggest you listen to it to really get the feeling of it. Of course, imagine it's a male voice singing it. Also I changed 'girl' to boy in one line.<p>

Please go search 'The Change by Evanescence' up on youtube, or better yet, buy the entire CD.


	3. Chapter 2

Shuichi wished that damn clock would stop ticking. Usually unnoticed, it was amplified in the silent room and made his head ache. He was hung over as hell. He wished that everyone would just get on with it; whatever they sat him in here for. He, Hiro, Suguru, K, Sakano were sitting around the polished table in conference room B, the same room that they listened to the completed version of 'Rage Beat', when Hiro figured out that Shuichi was in love…

Shuichi shook his head slowly, to dispel the memories, to not aggravate his headache. He couldn't help but notice that everybody sat on one side of the table, facing him, yet not looking at him. They had been in that position for the past five minutes. Nobody said anything past the "Hello, Shuichi" when he walked in. God, that clock was annoying.

"Who are we waiting for?" he asked, then internally winced when his voice hit his ears. He probably shouldn't have smoked an entire pack of cigarettes last night. That could also explain why his stomach was so uneasy, but he chose to contribute it to the nervousness in the room making him queasy.

Hiro cleared his throat but didn't say anything. Above everyone else in the room, he was making damn sure not to catch Shuichi's eye. Finally, Suguru leaned back and began.

"The past year has been crazy, Shuichi… we have all been working so hard…" He looked at K nervously, who nodded for him to continue. Suguru took a steadying breath.

"We feel like it's time Bad Luck took a break."

"What are you talking about? Of course we've been working hard! That's the whole point of it, isn't it? You of all people should know that." Shuichi grumbled and folded his arms across his chest, petulant.

"Of course we needed to work hard, but you have taken all the enjoyment out of it!" Suguru snapped. "Our personal lives are suffering because you..."

"Because I, what, Suguru?" Shuichi asked lowly.

"Ever since Yuki left you, you've been crazy! You won't even give us a moment to breathe!"

"This has nothing to do with Yuki—"Shuichi began, eyes blazing.

"You need a break, Shuichi." K cut in levelly. "You've been running on fumes for a long time. You need to take a break."

"Don't put this on me! I'm fine! It sounds like Suguru is the only one bitching about this!"

"Tell him, Hiro!" Suguru yelled, spinning around to face the guitarist. Hiro hesitated a moment before looking up and finally meeting Shuichi's eyes, wincing at the fire in them. The room was silent again.

"You too, Hiro?" Shuichi breathed, not willing to believe it.

"We've all been talking… We think it would be beneficial to everyone involved if Bad Luck took a hiatus. We're all exhausted, and Suguru is right. Our personal lives have been suffering because of how much we've been focussing on this band. Don't you think we should take a break, before this blows up in our faces? You need this, too. Even if you don't realize it right now. You have been changing so much… It's hard to watch."

Shuichi didn't say anything. He wanted to tell Hiro that was what Yuki said, but…For the first time in a long time, he allowed himself to take a close look at everybody's faces. They were tired, drawn out, sad, determined…. Just like Yuki's had been that night.

"But… that's the price we have to pay, right? To be successful...? We don't get personal lives anymore… Isn't this happiness?" he mumbled, more to himself than to the group. They heard anyway.

Everything went quiet again, except for that clock. Suddenly Shuichi was glad for it. He put his elbows on the table, burying his face in his hands. He felt sick, sicker than he had when he woke up that morning and declared he was never drinking again to an empty house. Now all he wanted was a strong drink.

"For how long?" he mumbled into his hands, before looking up at the group. "How long are we going to be on this 'break?' Weeks? Months? Years?"

Everyone shifted nervously. "I proposed to Ayaka last night." Hiro said evenly. "I want enough time to start a real life with her."

Shuichi looked down at the table. _That's right_, he thought. _Why should they fall apart, like Yuki and I did? They're going to be so happy..._

He looked up and smiled at Hiro, ignoring the tears in his eyes, which completely dampened any trace of heat that might have been there. "Congratulations."

"Three months will be enough time to finish our album, and do appearances to announce our hiatus." K said with a strictly professional tone. Shuichi looked up at him, and then nodded slowly. Everyone visibly relaxed, but nobody smiled.

Three months, then what? Shuichi mused.

* * *

><p>Two months later, the album was finished. It wouldn't have taken quite as long if Shuichi didn't show up drunken most of the time, and then demand to redo most of his tracks because they weren't good enough. For the most part everybody overlooked his behaviour, watching his train wreck with sad eyes.<p>

The day that they were to announce their hiatus to the media, Shuichi showed up wasted. He stumbled into the studio with K steadying him every step. He was dressed in yesterday's clothes; obviously he hadn't eaten or slept since leaving the day before. Hiro could only stare in shock, the tendrils of guilt squeezing his heart.

"Hello, bitches!" Shuichi slurred, "ready to do this or what? What's with all the long faces? It's time to celebrate!" He threw the arm holding his beer can up, knocking off his tentative balance. If K wasn't holding onto him so tight, he would have fallen.

"What the hell, Shuichi!" Suguru yelled, clearly pissed off. "How many times did we tell you to be sober today? You're so pathetic!"

"Fuck you!" Shuichi yelled back. He threw his beer can at Suguru, and missed by a mile.

"What are we going to do, now? We have to preform after the announcement!" Suguru hissed at K.

In the end it was decided that Sakano would stay with Shuichi while the singer tried to sleep it off. Hiro and Suguru would make the announcement, and answer the media's questions as diplomatically as they could ("Of course we're still friends," Hiro would laugh to the reporter! "It was a mutual decision!") And then hopefully Shuichi would be sober enough to perform.

* * *

><p>Sakano watched Shuichi sleep with deep and sad brown eyes, slowly rubbing his back. He knew Shuichi from the very start, and it did pain him to see Shuichi so confused. Sakano had been in the music business most of his life, he had witnessed the rise and fall of some great stars. He prayed that with everything, Shuichi wouldn't turn out like the fizzled out stars of yesterday. There was something special about Shuichi, everyone knew that…<p>

Sakano hoped that would be enough.

* * *

><p>When all the questions were answered, wrinkles smoothed over, Shuichi was sober enough to stand on his own feet, but was still acting wild. He grabbed the microphone and sang roughly, almost screaming the lyrics.<p>

"I've been screaming on the inside, and I know you feel the pain! Can you hear me? Can you hear me?"

* * *

><p>When the three months were over, there was an awkward party hosted at NG. There were faces they recognized, a lot they didn't. There were some technicians who worked on the last album, some who worked on previous albums. Friends, family. Seguchi was there, as well as Sakuma.<p>

None of them mattered to Shuichi, who didn't even understand why they were celebrating the death of Bad Luck. He constantly snuck out to smoke a joint, only re-joining the group to grab another drink. People insisted on patting him on the shoulder and trying to talk with him about good memories. Every time he turned to face them, he realized he didn't even know these people.

Suguru was showing a young lady around. Shuichi felt guilty when Suguru introduced her to him as his girlfriend. She gushed about being a huge fan, and playfully slapped Suguru on the shoulder for not introducing them sooner. When they walked away, all Shuichi could think about was how Yuki was right when he told Shuichi he was selfish… he didn't know that Suguru had a girlfriend.

Hiro and Ayaka were entertaining a circle of people who were probably their friends. Hiro was wielding his guitar, talking animatedly. And Ayaka looked so proud, so happy. And the ring on her finger was glistening. Shuichi had to admit it was beautiful. It must have cost Hiro a small fortune. Yuki never would have spent that much on her. Did she realize how lucky she was to end up with Hiro, and not with Yuki?

_Where the hell is Yuki?_ Shuichi thought to himself. _Who is here to share these moments with me? These strangers?_

"Excuse me," he said, completely interrupting whoever it was that was talking to him. "I need another drink." He downed the one he was holding, then turned towards the door and left. He didn't return for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>Tohma watched Shuichi stumble out with a frown. He was, of course, aware of all of Shuichi's actions as of late. The media was buzzing about him. They apparently loved the dark side of the usually happy-go-lucky pop star. They ate up the heavier lyrics, rougher voice, and sloppy appearance. He had to admit it was a brilliant gimmick, if it indeed was a gimmick. He wished it was a gimmick.<p>

"He doesn't sparkle anymore." Ryuichi observed to Tohma sadly.

"I agree." Tohma hummed.

At what price were all these records and singles and magazines selling for? Shuichi's soul? It seemed that way. And what happened to Shuichi Shindou when there was no Yuki and no Bad Luck? Tohma had a feeling he knew, and it wasn't good.


	4. Chapter 3

_"…It seems everybody's new favourite bad boy, Shuichi Shindou, was at it again! Last night he was spotted cursing loudly at another bar patron…. Witnesses say the patron approached Shindou for an autograph, when a very drunken Shindou threw a drink at him and began screaming that 'Bad Luck was dead'. One person described Shindou's actions as 'wild and desperate'…._

The TV was turned off suddenly, casting the room in near darkness. The lights from the city and the moon made the smoke look blue as it hazed around the room. The man sitting on the couch sighed, and pressed the remote control to his forehead, deep in thought.

* * *

><p>Ayaka hummed happily as she brought her items to the counter. Hiro was in the car, having finished pumping the gas into their brand new vehicle. She volunteered to go inside and pay. Customers of the gas station recognized Hiro; a low buzz of voices began around them, which they knew meant fans were getting stirred up.<p>

Ayaka smiled at the ring on her finger, happy to know that her fiancé, who was loved by so many, loved her so much. In fact, they were on their way to Kyoto to visit her parents. Originally disappointed their daughter wasn't going to marry Yuki Eiri; her parents soon were enamoured by Hiro's charm and were now quite supportive of their union.

"And a pack of Walboro, red, please," Ayaka said to the cashier as she put down the bottles of water on the counter. While the young cashier reached for the cigarettes, Ayaka looked threw the tabloids. It was the usual celebrity crap, with headlines screaming ridiculous, mostly false declarations. She was just sad to see that so many of them hosted pictures of Shuichi at his worst.

_'Shindou's new squeeze!'_ read one title. On the cover was a picture of Shuichi being supported by a much taller man who could have easily been ten years older than him. Shuichi had a hood covering most of his face; the only thing visible was his mouth, set in a grimace.

"Miss?" The cashier said, bringing Ayaka out of her thoughts. She smiled apologetically at him, grabbed the magazine and placed it on the counter. The cashier gave her on odd look, but didn't say anything.

Ayaka didn't pull the magazine out of the white plastic bag until they were half way to Kyoto. Hiro glanced at it out of the corner of his eye, his face becoming almost stern. Hiro avoided the topic of Shuichi as much as he could. Whether it was out of guilt or genuine annoyance that Shuichi was acting out, nobody really knew. Maybe it was a bit of both, but Ayaka had a sneaking suspicion that it was due to guilt and more guilt.

"Have you talked to him recently?" Ayaka asked softly.

Hiro sighed, but didn't offer a reply beyond that. Figuring that Hiro was avoiding the question, like so many times before, Ayaka looked back to the magazine on her lap.

"It's just that…" Hiro began, his shoulders squaring. "It's been so long, you know? Five months since the party at NG! He just walked out, you remember? And he was so out of it… And look at those pictures! That's not Shuichi… No, I haven't spoken to him. I think the last time I talked to him was just before Yuki left him! That's when…"

He shook his head, like he didn't know how to continue, his breath coming out shaky. It was then that Ayaka realized that, with every other factor, Hiro didn't talk about Shuichi because he couldn't. It was too painful. He didn't know what to say.

She looked at him sadly, gently resting her hand on his knee. He didn't look at her, but one hand came down from the steering wheel and gripped hers firmly.

"I know…" was all she said. They remained silent the rest of the car ride, holding hands.

* * *

><p>Shuichi looked down at the bottle of pills in his hand. He was standing in the bathroom, above the sink. Briefly he considered pouring the contents down the drain, but decided against it. He popped the top and threw two pills in his mouth, his recommended dose. After dry swallowing the pills, he looked up at himself in the mirror. He was pale, with dark circles around his eyes, his once pink hair was now a very dark purple, and longer than he liked it. And these pills made him gain weight, which made him insecure.<p>

The blankness in his eyes was another side effect. He thought anti-depressants were meant to make one happier, but he just felt emotionless most of the time. He supposed that was better than feeling too sad to get out of bed, or so angry that he wanted to lash out at everybody. Other side effects were nausea, fatigue, dry mouth, and restlessness.

When his sister, a nurse in training, approached him last month about the possibility of antidepressants, she warned him it could take a few tries to find the right medication and the right dosage for him. But Shuichi didn't want to deal with that, so he stuck with the first one, and tried to reassure Maiko that he felt better. He knew it wouldn't be too hard for her to figure out the truth, but she hadn't contacted him since.

He got loads of calls from producers of talk shows, journalists, and other business like types, all wanting him to make an appearance or give an interview of some sort. Usually K dealt with those calls, and he wasn't even sure how they got his private cell number. But he had to admit it was preferable to the silence. Even though he didn't answer most of them.

Putting down the pills, he shuffled his way to the couch, where he left his cell phone. He picked it up, noticed there were no messages from when he left it five minutes before. He wanted to call somebody but didn't know who. So he sat down on the floor beside the couch staring blankly at his phone. He didn't notice when an hour had past, but his knees felt cramped and suddenly he couldn't stand to sit anymore.

He walked mindlessly around the house, before finding himself at the kitchen counter. He grabbed a bottle of vintage scotch and took a shot. It burned his throat and made him gag, but he didn't care. In fact, he took another shot. And then another. The third went down smoothly.

But the silence was really getting on his nerves, so he grabbed his keys and wallet, and all but ran to his car. Nobody would be surprised to know he was heading to a night club, with lots of people and lots of sound.

* * *

><p>When Christmas Eve rolled around, Shuichi was on his medicine for two months and still felt like shit. He had gained enough weight to make him hide in oversized sweaters and baggy pants, and he tried to avoid going into public. The clever journalists had quickly picked up on his weight gain, and never missed a chance to share a photo of him looking 'ungainly'. He couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without hearing all those harsh words about himself, all screaming behind his blank violet eyes.<p>

But his parents were determined to get him over this Christmas, and they tried to keep him busy with Christmas activities, like decorating the tree, and baking cookies. Maiko cornered him and asked about his medication, and he tried to tell her he felt great, but she looked sceptical when he walked away. They both agreed not to tell anybody about him taking antidepressants, so when their parents asked why she looked sad suddenly, she shrugged it off.

After a very nice dinner, which Shuichi tried not to eat too much of, they sat around the living area with a glass of wine. Everyone was obviously aware that Shuichi indulged in alcohol, so they kept a wary eye on him. Maiko watched for another reason, knowing that one wasn't supposed to drink alcohol while on antidepressants. All of the eyes on him pissed Shuichi off. He gave them all a measured look, then brought the glass to his lips and drank deeply. After that, Mrs. Shindou didn't look him in the eyes.

A few family friends were mingling, drunk off the holiday spirit. No one missed the opportunity to touch his arm and tell him stories from when he was younger. Shuichi knew most of them were proud to be in the same room as somebody famous. They probably told everybody they knew the stories of him when he was younger, as well as how they spent a very exciting Christmas Eve with him. And how awful he looked.

He tried to be happy for all these people, but he felt restless and annoyed. When he got up to sneak out for a joint, he overheard Maiko talking.

"I'm this close to being a registered nurse, and Kyo couldn't be happier for me! He wishes he could be here, but he is with his own family. You know, I think he's going to ask me to marry him any day! Mom and dad love him so much; he's a great guy! Oh, listen to me, gushing like this! I'm just so happy."

He walked out of the house through the kitchen door thinking_ who the fuck is Kyo?_ On his way out, he grabbed the bottle of wine. He smoked and drank outside for about half an hour, thinking about how everybody's life was coming together so nicely, and he was so fucking lonely.

By the time he entered again, he frozen and pretty intoxicated. He hoped nobody would notice, but it seemed like all eyes were on him. And then he saw him, Hiro, standing in the middle of the room.

He hadn't seen or heard from Hiro since Bad Luck disbanded, and he had no clue why Hiro would just show up like this. It seemed like a conspiracy. His mom looked tense, standing very close to Mr. Shindou. Did they plan this?

Anger began to bubble in his chest, despite the dulling effects of the pills.

"Hello, Shuichi," Ayaka said from beside Hiro, when nobody said anything. She stepped forward and brought him into a hug. He instantly felt how small she was, and became insecure how he must feel in her arms. Fat, he bet. When she stepped away and looked at his face with a gentle smile, he couldn't help the tears from building up. She noticed them and looked concerned.

"Why are you here?" He asked softly, stepping back from her. But he was staring at Hiro.

"We just stopped by to say Merry Christmas and to pass out wedding invitations…" Hiro mumbled, staring at the floor.

"Well merry fucking Christmas, now get out!" He yelled, feeling out of control. Everybody was staring at him with shock now, but he couldn't help it. Seeing Hiro, who looked so fit and happy, triggered everything he tried to suppress for months. God, why was everybody so happy and why couldn't he feel the same way?

"Shuichi," Maiko began. He shook his head violently, as if to ward off what she was about to say.

"No! This is so fucked up! You think you can just walk around and be so perfect and happy and we should all just be so fucking happy for you! But we're not! I'm not!" He screamed, and now he wasn't even sure who he was talking to. Everybody. "You ruined my life!"

"Shuichi, stop acting like a child!" Hiro screamed back, words that he wanted to say for so long.

"Fuck you!" Shuichi hissed, turning on his heel, and stomping back towards the door. "Fuck everybody!"

* * *

><p>Shuichi didn't sleep that night. He stayed up all night drinking, looking through the numbers on his cell phone. He read and reread all the names of the all the people he thought he knew. The anger wasn't gone, but the alcohol helped him feel the sadness and guilt, too. His stereo was on as loud as it could go, which was impressively loud, blaring Nittle Grasper with urgency. Shining collection, on repeat.<p>

He wobbled back to the bathroom with his cell in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. He looked at himself in the mirror, hating the person he saw there.

"Who do you think you are?" he asked himself harshly. "You're disgusting! Who are you!" With the fist clutching his cell phone, he wound back and punched the mirror. It didn't completely shatter like he had hoped; his face stared back at him through hundreds of cracks. And his knuckles were bleeding.

"Fuck!" He sobbed. He dropped the bottle of vodka, which didn't shatter either. In a fit of rage, he swept the contents on the counter to the ground, grabbing random items and throwing them around the room. When he was done, left breathing loudly, he sank to his knees and sobbed.

And then he spotted the antidepressants, rolled towards the door. And then he knew what to do. He grabbed the bottle, uncapped it, and emptied it all into his mouth. He grabbed the vodka bottle, uncapped that as well, and drank deeply from it.

He felt sick and scared with the realization of what he was doing, but at that moment, it was all he ever wanted. He found his cell phone again, looking through his contact list. Then he sent a mass text message simply saying, "I'm sorry. Please be happy always."

He laid down in the mess he made of his bathroom, among all the thrown toiletries, the shattered glass, drops of blood, empty pill bottle… he closed his eyes, and waited. A small part of him hoped that somebody would reply to his cryptic goodbye, so he could tell them what he just did and maybe get them to bring them to a hospital. He hoped it would be Yuki. But no reply came, and Shuichi drifted off.

* * *

><p>Sorry for making you all wait so long. Thank you for all the reviews, they make me happy and inspired! Let's see if Shuichi will pull through...<p> 


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